He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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