Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize