i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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