I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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