I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
