Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize