i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
