Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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