The maid of honor just puked.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
