and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize