so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
