i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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