at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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