I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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