Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
