dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need to calm my uterus...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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