you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
