This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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