Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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