He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
