On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
