also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
