me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
