I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
