i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
