theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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