the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
