thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
A bitchslap is in order.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
