I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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