i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
