Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
