I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My vagina is officially offended.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
