What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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