Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
