I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
