im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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