i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He? As in you personified your dick?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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