Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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