I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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