Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
