Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
