upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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