I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
