You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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