I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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