hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
