there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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