it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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