you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
