I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Who died my cat blue again?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
