If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
