You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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