god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
