did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize