Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
