Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
