I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He better not be in your backpack
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
