i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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