I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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