she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize