my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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