a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
