i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
