Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Randomize
