He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
