so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
