Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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